


Should He?

by LiaIsInLove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depressed Niall, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Niall-centric, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Niall, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Niall, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-02-23
Packaged: 2018-03-14 18:37:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3421355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/LiaIsInLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thing is, Niall’s unhappy.</p><p>Massive trigger warnings for mental illness and suicide. Please do not read if you have any chance whatsoever of being triggered by this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Should He?

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. This one is loaded. But I am so incredibly serious when I say DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU MIGHT BE TRIGGERED. I don't care who you are, if reading this might cause you any harm, then I am begging you not to. I know that there are plenty of you who will read this anyways with the purpose of triggering yourself, and for those people, I am begging you not to. It's not worth it, and I can preemptively say that it's just fan fiction, real life is better anyways, you're not missing anything crucial to your life, and I'd much rather you be safe and happy having not read my writing than miserable and in a dangerous place having read it.
> 
> Alright, more notes at the end. But seriously. Please do not read if you are not in a safe place.

Niall sighed.  He could never get it right, could he?  Even when he was on top of the world, living the dream, he still wasn’t happy. And he hated that. He hated it so much. But more than that, he hated himself. Because what the fuck was wrong with him. He literally has it so good, better than 99.9% of the world, and he’s still an ungrateful little shit. But the thing is, he’s not ungrateful. He’s so, so incredibly grateful for the amazing life he has.  It’s just that he’s not happy.  And he tries to be happy.  He really does. He tries so fucking hard. But no matter what, no matter how many shows they sell out, or how many screaming fans they have, or how much he loves singing, or how many friends he has, or how proud his family is, or loved he is, or how much money he makes, he still isn’t happy.

And it’s not that he’s never happy. He is.  When he’s singing on stage, or chilling with his lads. But even then, there’s a faint sliver of misery that sits inside of him.  A quiet voice in the back of his head, begging him to give up. And when everyone leaves and he’s on his own, it becomes unbearable.  And Niall hates it.

The thing is, Niall’s unhappy. He’s so unhappy all of the time. Like when Harry goes to the gym without him, his insides burn with the feeling of being unwanted. Or when Zayn decides to go home instead of stay and hang out with him, his heart aches because he knows that Zayn doesn’t want to spend time with him (who would?).  Or when Louis cracks a joke at his expense, the voices in his head scream that he is an inadequate fuck up and Louis was just being honest. Or even when Liam doesn’t ask him how he’s doing, his chest feels as though it will explode with the hatred.

He’s just so sad.  All of the time.  It’s like the world is grey, and everything is moving in slow motion, and he’s stuck in a dream. He drifts listlessly through life, days blurring in and out of motion, hazy and unclear. His memories are covered in fog; they float in the back of his head, a constant reminder but never fully in focus. And it’s as though he can’t remember anything.  All he can remember is that he’s always felt this way.  And nothing else matters.

Yet the sad thing is, no one knows. No one ever notices that Niall is not in the room.  He’s there, but he’s not really there.  He can see happiness, and he can touch happiness, but he can never truly feel it; it is always just beyond his desperate grasp.  And that kills him. Because he wants so badly to be happy. He really wants nothing more than to be content with his perfect life.  But he just can’t.  He just can’t.

It breaks him inside to know that no matter what, he’ll never be happy.

And it’s not like he doesn’t try. It’s not like he doesn’t do everything in his power to make himself _feel_ again.  It’s just that nothing works.  His whole life is a frozen grey.  It’s numb, and barren, and it’s like someone took his whole body and froze him so that each heartbeat pushing life through his veins, each traitorous heartbeat is sluggish and labored, his blood congealed and frozen solid.  He’s at the point where he can’t even feel the cold anymore because how can anything be colder than his heart.

He tried to make the pain go away. He really did. He thought that maybe if he could hurt himself enough, the dark shadows would slither away. And perhaps that was naïve, perhaps that was stupid, but the idea of living any longer was so painful that he had to do something.  The searing marks on his hips scorched through the ice, melting it, cleaving his frozen skin in two. And it felt so good to feel again. It felt so wonderfully, marvelously freeing to take the pain from his heart and place it on his skin. Because that’s really what he was doing: transferring the pain to a place where it hurt less, where he could see it, where he could understand it, and where he could fix it. Yet nothing, not even the burning scars on his hips, could drive away the darkness forever. Nothing could.

And Niall was tired.  He was so goddamn tired.  All of the time.  He was utterly exhausted. He would wake up each morning and still feel like he was asleep, dreaming, living life inside a cloud of fog. And each night, sleep would bring no relief.  Because it came with the knowledge that he would have to wake up and do it all over again.

And the truth, the real and honest truth, wasn’t just that Niall was tired.  It was that Niall was tired of. Tired of trying.  Tired of failing.  Tired of fighting a battle he's destined to lose.  Tired of working.  Tired of talking.  Tired of being around people.  Tired of being alone.  Tired of hating himself.  Tired of hurting himself.  Tired of trying to clean up the mess he's made of his life.  Tired of trying so hard only to ever be disappointed.  Tired of caring.  Tired of people not caring.  Tired of being unloved.  Tired of knowing that nothing he does will ever make this pain go away.  Tired of waking up wishing that he hadn’t.  Tired of smiling.  Tired of pretending.  Tired of acting.  Tired of singing.  Tired of smiling.  Tired of laughing.  Tired of lying.  Tired of trying.  Tired of eating.  Tired of breathing.  Tired of living.  Tired of sleeping.  Tired of life.  Tired of being alive.  He's just really fucking tired.  Niall was tired of living. That’s the truth of it.

Sighing once more, Niall looked down at the pills. Should he?

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, I am begging you to please get the help that you need.  
> Suicide & Other Support Hotlines:  
> World-wide - http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122914996788/suicide-hotlines-worldwide  
> USA - http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122915395263/suicide-hotlines-usa  
> UK - http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122915280248/suicide-hotlines-uk
> 
> You are worth it. You are so special and so important, and you deserve to get help and get better. I may not know you but I promise that you are worth it. There is hope, I promise. Just keep staying strong.
> 
> If you ever need someone to talk to, or support you, or encourage you, or believe in you, or if you just need a friend, please remember that I am always here for you. You can find me on tumblr at lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com
> 
> I love you all so much and I hope that each and every one of you find the happiness and peace in life that you deserve.
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Should He?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6454849) by [ToDanceBeneathTheDiamondSky (LiaIsInLove)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/ToDanceBeneathTheDiamondSky)




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